Hey everyone, Gio here. If there's one thing I know is this; Being a gamer parent can be tough! No one gives you a brochure on your way out of the hospital after the miracle of birth, trust me I asked. Fret not gamers, for I have assembled a short list of five tips for being a successful and responsible gamer parent. Enjoy!
1. Controller Switcharoo
Let's say your trying to play fallout 4 and your three year old wants to play, it's obvious because he is trying to steal your controller and do what you’re doing. What do you do you ask? Find a broken or unused controller that looks similar to yours and give it to him to play with. Now, the trick is you can't just give it to him or her and then completely ignore them. It's not that easy. You have to act like they just did the coolest thing ever, even though it's you that is controlling the game. You have to make them feel like they are not holding a broken controller.
2. Sike 'em out at the Store
Going to a toy store with your three year old knowing that he is going to want every toy in sight to take home. My advice would be while you are walking around give him one toy he can play with inside of the cart so he can be entertained…. for the moment. That will help avoid the tantrum of him crying for an hour while also avoiding the urge to karate chop him in the throat for making a scene. You know the feeling I'm talking about. Back in the day my parents would give me that look where you knew if you kept whining that you would get the ass whooping of a life-time once there were no witnesses. Today you have to improvise a more subtle approach and distract your child from getting the compulsion to whine for toys. The best way to get the toy away from him without making a scene is to distract him with a YouTube video on your smart phone then quickly remove the toy from the cart before exiting the store. Make sure you remember to do this BEFORE exiting the store because that would be considered stealing apparently. Blaming it on three year old is not an efficient excuse to get out of stealing, trust me on this.
3. Scare the Living Snot out of Them, Because You Love Them
Get in the habit of scaring your child often but unexpectedly. Now, I do not recommend this for young children but more like early middle school kids. This will help with their response time when, oh let's say someone jumps out to mug or attack them. They’ll be ready at all times. Also, keep in mind that every child is different; it might take some children (like mine) a little time to show improvement. Some children are naturally scared of their own shadow. I’ve gotten my son much more aware as to where I am when walking around to make sure I don't jump out at him and make him scream like my daughter. This might seem cruel but it will prepare them for the real world and also give you a good laugh when seeing them run away in extreme horror. Trust me it never gets old.
4. Be Prepared to Be Prepared to Get Ready to Go Out, Eventually
If you want to make it anywhere ON TIME be sure to give yourself ample time to get yourself and your child ready especially when they are young. It seems like, between the ages of 2 and 4, the only time they stay still long enough is when they are napping or sleeping for the night. Even then my son moves around like he has ants in his undies. Each piece of clothing takes about 5-8 minutes each to put on. Apparently they think it's funny when you have to chase them and steam is coming out of your ears because they can't sit still to finish getting dressed. I recommend two things: 1. Get your wife to assist you. (Don't worry it doesn't make you seem like a punk and a two year old is giving you a run for your money) better to have one person hold down while the other dodges kicks and punches to put the clothing on. And 2. If your significant other is not available then I recommend rope but don't put it on too tight might leave a mark.
5. Mess with me once, shame on you. Mess with me twice, drop kick.
Last but not least and the most important one of all. DO NOT under any circumstances clean up your child's toys while they are playing because they WILL wait until you are all done cleaning, only to dump all the shit back onto the floor. Talk about a raising your blood pressure… There have been many times where I would make that mistake and I’d suddenly get the urge to want to drop kick my child. Sometimes I feel like they do it on purpose. Just remember your child needs to be at least 7 years old in order for you to be able to legally drop kick them. If you googled that then you may need to seek professional help because it was just a joke. I recommend that you wait until the little one is asleep or in a high chair to clean up after them and hope that they forget to dump the toys all over the floor again.